Your official book, the one chronicling your family journey, will be full of highs and lows. First time milestones and fun vacations and big achievements. Dark moments of sickness or loss or despair.

So yes, that’s all in the official book. But the book is thick. And tons of pages are full of non-highs and and non-lows.

Stuff you don’t think will even make the final version of your book. Stuff you take for granted. Stuff that seems pretty boring. Stuff you miss because you’re distracted. Stuff you just do. Stuff that is just….stuff.

It pays to realize the vast majority of your official parenting book is actually the stuff between the other stuff.

Bonding happens through the difficult trials. You see it everywhere.

The work group that stays late every night during a busy season. The football team that endures hot summer two-a-days. The married couple with a strained relationship who comes out the other side better than ever.

There are extreme versions that make the news and micro-moments in our daily lives. Either way, something just changes between people through and after difficult times.

Among adults, we know the concept is true. We’ve probably experienced it ourselves. And yet, for some reason, the idea can seem a bit flimsy with our kids in the early years.

It didn’t really feel like bonding coming out consecutive weeks of no sleep. And neighborhood walks with a witching hour infant who just won’t stop wailing…did we bond through that? And the 10 hour flight delay in Denver airport. And the household flu-pocalypse. And the meltdowns leaving the playground. And post-school pre-bedtime time window on no-nap days.

The work group and football team and married couple have something in common. They absorb the tough as a team, together.

The depth of your relationship when they’re young, or any age, will be slightly more shallow so long as your posture is me vs them when things get tough.

The meltdowns matter because you’re in it together.

We ask ourselves this question a lot. Sometimes explicitly, sometimes not.

The next nap. The next meal. The next few hours of an afternoon on a rainy Saturday. The next morning. The next recital. The next doctor’s appointment. The next week of school. The next round of swim lessons. The next trip. The next holiday. The next season. The next school.

What’s next? is a backbone in the rhythm of parenting. It’s fun and keeps you on your toes. Don’t forget, the answer can just be Nothing too.

For a moment, amidst the confusion of a first newborn, a weird feeling lingered:

So we’re married and have years of shared history and us two are a family. But a new person showed up? And maybe it feels like we are still a couple and the new girl hasn’t made the team yet?

And then poof! A family dynamic shift in the brain:

All of us. We. A crew. A unit. A team. A posse.

And the second one? They make the team the moment of arrival.

A friend just told us about a big (huge!) parenting decision they made as a family. They explained the reasoning and background. They acknowledged their fears and concerns. They expressed genuine excitement.

It’s the type of decision we’ll never do, but at the end of the conversation I thought Yeah, that makes sense. I’m happy for them. This sounds wonderful for their family.

Interesting idea to model for our kids: Yeah, that makes sense is a fine response for many, many things. We might not agree. We might go about life differently. We might zig when you zag. But Yeah, that makes sense is perfectly reasonable.

A great day at work may boil down to doing 3-5 meaningful things.

Talking to an important customer. Scoring an appointment with a sales prospect. No distractions, head down programming. Closely Inspecting a key report. Encouraging a teammate. Having the tough conversation.

Stuff that matters no matter what. Stuff you control. Stuff that compounds your success when done over and over and over.

Turns out, the same is true as a parent. Find your things and do them every day.

1. They aren’t out to get you.
2. This whole thing is a privilege.
3. You are the right person for the job.

The most impactful, inspiring, confidence giving message I’ve ever received was “we need you .“

It wasn’t a mushy compliment. The point wasn’t to tell me I’m special or perfect or better than anyone else.

The point was just…..we need you.

As they grow up and the family unfolds, the “we need you” mentality becomes clearer and clearer. It applies to everyone and everyone needs to know it.

The tablecloth needs to be folded. Stuff needs to be put away. Things need to be done. One thing then the next. This is life.

But the little guy isn’t having any of that.

He runs across the tablecloth when it’s spread out on the floor. He lays down and rolls around laughing. He messes up the fold just when you make a little progress. He grabs the end starts a game of tug of war.

Five minutes later and the tablecloth circus is still in motion. Five minutes well spent.

What is the most important contribution I can make to my family?

Tonight. In the morning rush before school. On a big road trip. During the work day. At the dinner table. When traveling for work. 

Ask it over and over and over.