You grow a family by adding to it.

Usually one at a time, sometimes two or three. For many the road is easy. Go to bed and wake up nine months later with a baby. For others it’s arduous. Dozens of specialized doctors or years of bureaucratic paperwork or trips abroad.

Building a family is what happens next though.

Decades of showing up, raising up, and building up. Controlling what you can control, which is plenty. And giving up control of so much more.

Grow your family so that you can build your family.

All the rules and do’s and don’ts in a family come down to a few timeless values.

The principles that find relevancy in any context and encapsulate truth. The Golden Rule mattered 1,000 years ago and will matter 1,000 years from now.

Be deliberate about these values. Figure them out and show them off. Talk about them. Debate them.

When the kids are all grown up, you hope they will think of these values as just a part of family life growing up.

One thing parents talk about is how fast the time goes. You have a baby and wake up and your baby is entering kindergarten. Then your baby is driving a car to high school. Then your baby is out of the house. Poof.

At some point, you come to realize it’s all true. A year feels like a month. A month feels like a week. A week like a day.

But what about this? Time flies, but if you’re lucky, it’s still just so much time.

Hours and hours and days and days and years and years. Physically near them. Touching them. Holding them. Getting yelled at. Big hugs. Big smooches. Watching tears. Watching smiles. Long car rides. Meltdowns. Saturday mornings that start at 6:13 am. Sunday mornings that start at 6:29 am. Bedtimes. Snuggles. Walks. Meals. Vacations. Staycations. Homework. Holidays. Singing. Dancing. Puzzles. Books. Pointing at bricks.

So yes, time flies. And if you’re not careful, time flies right past you.

But don’t forget that this love and pain and joy is hundreds of thousands hours devoted to someone else. And that’s the job.

One day, the big plastic infant bath bucket wasn’t working anymore. It was too small and she was too big. Time to move on.

So the bath seat arrived, which was a great addition. Part chair. Part seat belt. Part gondola. Part stationary wagon. Part roller coaster.

Plop her in, fill up the tub, and have some fun.

Of course, she grew out of the bath seat. It was passed on to the new guy, but eventually he was too squirmy and ready for freedom.

Two kids. Three-ish years. Hundreds of baths. Now the bath seat is ready for the trash. It’s moldy. Suction cups are missing. The thing probably stinks and we don’t even realize it.

The bath seats in the house don’t get much action in the baby book. More functional tool than artifact. But the bath seats are all around us, coming and going, marking little tiny seasons of life passed.

Don’t forget to remember the bath seats.

Tell someone the age of your kid(s) and they usually respond with something like “Oh wow, you’re in it right now!”

The “it” referred to here is a particularly {unique, special, wild, crazy, hectic, funny} time in parenting. The trenches of life.

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Tell someone your kid is 5 weeks old, then you’re in it! That’s a blurry time with no sleep and a new life and big love.

Tell someone your kids are 1 and 3, then you’re in it! That’s a crazy time with big emotions and a crawler and new teeth and pre-school.

Tell someone your kids are 5, 8, and 12, then you’re in it! That’s a hectic time with elementary school in full swing and sports and big feelings.

Tell someone your kids are 16 and 20, then you’re in it! That’s a scary time with a kid out of the house and another kid driving.

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Of course, the secret is there is no time you’re not in it.

Pick any combination of any age with any number of kids.

You’re always in it.

A great tip for new golfers is don’t try to crush the ball.

When you swing with all your might, a lot can go wrong. Watch any funny video of a first time golfer. Chances are the humor stems from someone swinging as hard as possible.

Instead, slow things down. Smooth it all out. Loosen up. Meet the ball.

Don’t try to crush the ball idea isn’t usually our default with something new. We assume more strength equals more of a desired outcome. Move faster to get things done faster. Match the pressure with more pressure. The square peg will fit in the round hole if we just make it.

There is a lesson here in parenting.

Sometimes you go to the gym with great intentions, but end up meandering about or distracted by your phone.

Deep down, when you leave the gym, you know what just happened. That “meh” feeling after a mediocre workout is real.

And so it goes with kids.

Sometimes you enter the afternoon with great intentions, but end up meandering about or distracted by your phone or daydreaming about a problem at work.

And again, when you look back at the day, you know what just happened. That “meh” feeling after not being present is real.

Don’t just ignore the feeling. Name it. Say it out loud. Lean into it.

And next time, get excited about how amazing the opposite of “meh” always feels.

When you’re a kid, the babysitter relationship is a triangle:

The parents going out
The kids staying in
The babysitter coming over

You might not consider who the babysitter actually is or what grade he is in or what she studies in college.

There are more important questions like will she let us eat snacks? Does he like to play video games? Will there be pizza? Can we stay up late?

When you’re the parent going out for a night, the situation changes.

The triangle becomes a square.

The parents going out
The kids staying in
The babysitter coming over
The babysitter’s parents

So you have that lingering I hope all is well at home feeling while out for the night, but someone else is thinking the same thing about their own kid, the babysitter.

And now you’re thinking the same thing about the babysitter because you know the other parent is probably thinking the same thing about your kids.

As Paul Graham describes it:

I suddenly felt protective not just toward our child, but toward all children. As I was driving my wife and new son home from the hospital, I approached a crosswalk full of pedestrians, and I found myself thinking “I have to be really careful of all these people. Every one of them is someone’s child!”

We’re due for something, so might as well embrace the journey.

When all is peachy, someone will get sick. When one is sleeping great, the other hits a wall. When the house feels settled, the water heater floods the garage.

But it’s not all bad.

The sleep regression that would never end? Last night was a no wake ups type of night. The insane traffic headed to vacation? Record time on the way home. No luck on a babysitter week after week? You’re all set for your most important night of the year.

We’re due for something. Great, good, bad, or ugly.

Life is way more fun when you learn to dance with the something you’re due for.

Our decisions and actions and ideas are either:

• For them
• For me
• For us

The big stuff. The tiny stuff. All of it.

There is no wrong answer. Our days are filled with a mix of them, me, and us stuff.

But it’s worth considering your ratios and if they are out of whack. And equally important, being in tune with your attitude and posture for each.